The Shawzbear Chronicles

It’s funny how life works….it’s very easy to keep to keep up something when life is like a mid 80’s after school special……I come home from work, the kids in their uniforms singing Mary Poppins songs, while a gourmet 3 course meal is waiting.  Then my 2.5 children all line up neatly, to go to bed at 7, to get a good 14 hours of non-interrupted sleep, whilst I train…

Uh huh.

Disney never accounted for teething, potty training, giraffe tossing, drop kicking, tantruming, screaming or trying for an hour to convince your daughter that green beans ARE indeed food…

So instead of being relaxed and looking forward to the run, I am one runny nose away from the Fudgee-O’s…I finally tuck my eldest into bed, wondering how I’m going to drag my pear shaped mass to the treadmill, when all I want to do now is pass out and consume roughly 1 cubic yard of Cheetos. She sits up, gives me a big hug and says “Dad, I love you…you’re awesome!)”

That’s how….

So I’ve come to a hard realization, that running to near death won’t be enough, especially if I keep eating quintuple baconators.  As much as I like eating, my teenage metabolism has long, long since gone away…and been replaced with ear hair. 

Meals at home have never been a problem, as I’m blessed with a lovely wife who makes healthy suppers already….  (probably the only reason I haven’t had numerous heart attacks!) The main problem is that whilst at work, I enjoy much of the finer things in Tim Hortons…I mean life.  But what to do?  Lots and lots of books and videos have been released promising fantastic results if I only eat nothing but grapefruit, or bacon…So after much deliberation, I’ve decided on the “looks like me” diet plan..confused?  Allow me to explain…

Let’s say I walk into your standard fancy restaurant, you know one with a fancy one word name…..Wendy’s, Mcdonald’s, KFC (I know it’s an abbreviation, work with me here!) If at least 50% of the people in there have my basic body shape (let’s say…pear) then it’s probably not a good life choice to eat there…seems like a simple enough plan, no?  And if the restaurant is at least 50% unwashed hippie, then it’s probably an excellent life choice….though I probably should watch what I touch…

Now if only Planet Organic sold Baconators…..

Decided to clear all of the clothes of the old treadmill and start off with some intervals today…now for those of you who are reading (Hi Jen!) who aren’t familiar with interval training here is my experience with it:

1st minute – fast walk (hmmn, not soo bad maybe I can do this after all. I can keep this up if only..)
2nd minute – 7mph (One minute of me making face like trying to pass watermelon through colon)
3rd minute – fast walk again (Sweet mother of pearl, why does my chest feel like that…I don’t think I can..)
4th minute – 7mph (NONONONONONONONONOPLEASENONONONONONO)
5th minute – fast-ish stumbling (Dry heaving, followed by hallucinations and empty promises of what I’ll do if somehow God can get me through this)

And so on for 30 minutes…after 30 minutes you hit that runners high you hear so much about!  No, no that never happened…  I’m pretty sure that whole idea is a lie made up by the producers of sport drinks with the words EXTREME…and INSANITY in them.

No, what DID happen though was me making it through…alive.  And I think that’s a pretty good start, all things considered.

So here’s the deal…we’ve all had that moment, right around New Years.  You know…
“This year is going to be different! I’m finally going to give up (smoking, drinking, main lining Black Tar Heroin….etc)”

Well, I’m no different than any other man (insert caption here).  So I made my bed, and now I’m going to lie in it…..

September 11th, my Brother In Law and I are going to run a half length marathon. 13.1 miles. All in  ONE day! Without going all Rosie Ruiz on it….(I’m old, look it up yourself on your new fangled inter-webs)

So join me, if you will on my journey to go from the Fast food line, to the finish line at Canmore…we’ll laugh, we’ll cry, we’ll probably visit the emergency room once or twice too…